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Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Friday, November 16, 2012

Smoking weed in front of Buddhist monks

Ashley Wells, CC Liu, Yogi Seven, Wisdom Quarterly


Sanskrit, ganja (medicinal Cannabis sativa)
BODHGAYA, India - "Smoking weed in front of Tibetan monks"? It's not as bad as it sounds. The headline might more correctly read, "Intoxicated Hindu mendicant dancing, ganja in hand, in front of Tibetan lamas at Buddhism's enlightenment grove."
  
The precincts of the Bodhi tree are sacred ground visited by hundreds of thousands of Buddhist pilgrims every year. (It is the most Buddhist town in the world, with authentic temples from every Buddhist land, from stately Japanese zendos (dojos) to a mysterious and fascinating Bhutanese dzong).
  
Sadhus: India's Mystic Holy Men (DH)
But the grove is controlled by Hindu holy men and Indian government officials, not Buddhists. The Maha Bodhi Society has a presence, but the sannyasis and sadhus (Hindu spiritual wanderers) run rampant.
  
Devotional exiled Tibetans travel down from Himalayan Dharamsala, Himalchal Pradesh in the north of the country. Some do 108,000 (yes, one-hundred and eight thousand) prostrations around the Maha Bodhi temple next to the tree, a genetic ancestor of the original enlightenment tree Siddhartha sat under.

Why would a wanderer behave like a madman (pagal) in front of pilgrim monks? Why would a spiritual wanderer go about smoking marijuana or hash? It is the custom of some Hindu ascetic holymen. The lamas could not be too put off since Tibetan Vajrayana Buddhism has a long and storied history of spiritual madmen epitomized in the saintly-sinner figure Milarepa.
The Dharma in the West
Hookah pipe Buddha ashtray (Raezyx/flickr)
Sure these things happen in the chaotic East. But would anyone dream of firing up a peace pipe in front of Vajrayana lamas? We can't imagine. However, stranger things have happened. Many Tibetan monks (great rinpoches, lamas, even alleged tulkus) are falling. It's not self-immolation of the attention-grabbing sort that's bringing them down. They often explain that they want to "taste" the allure of the West. What was it about America in the 1960s that was so intriguing to the most powerful generation in the world? In "My Dinner With Andre" Andre explained the little Tibetan monk who went off kilter gorging himself on Western excesses. There is the real life story of Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, who may have been the source of Andre's account. There are American lamas like Geshe Michael Roach and Lama Surya Das around which swirl rumors and controversies of sexual impropriety.
So what's a little ganja to those violating other precepts? Monastics are not using or abusing drugs. We are. And we think they would be okay with that. "Let's get Buddha'ed," we say as if that meant let's get high. Medical cannabis abuse is no mild vice -- and it is no way to any kind of enlightenment or transcendent wisdom. It's a circuitous route to here, so some call it an insidious trap. So which is it? It's not Buddhist. Smoke and you, too, can dance in front of Tibetan monks like an addict sadhu in the video above. But instead of owning up to it, one can use euphemisms and claim it's a spiritual endeavor, a Milarepa-like-madman "quest."
  
"Oh, Buddha, to be like you! (Moondoxy)
Were alcohol or intoxicants part of the path, the Buddha would have pointed to them as aids rather than obstacles. Or he would have remained silent on the matter. That he thought them such a serious obstacle that he listed alcohol as a path of doom in the Five Precepts is serious.

Could there be a difference between drugs? Do some serve only to blot out and obtund consciousness rather than to expand it? It is certainly our position at Wisdom Quarterly that some natural substances (DMT, alkaloids, iboga, Amazonian vines that make ayahuasca and natema, etc.) may have some benefits to the awakening of the pineal gland/third eye. But booze and high-THC (low-CBD) weed stocks and caustic synthetic chemicals? Wake up. Reality is better than this or we would advocate making the best of this illusion.

(LINK) The wyrd world far beyond dulled consciousness

Thursday, November 15, 2012

JOKES: Buddhists are funny! (video)

LA Buddhists Seth Auberon, Jordan Kramer, Frank Miles, Wisdom Quarterly (edited by Seven); Scandinavian Lutherans Garrison Keillor and Friends; Italian lapsed-Catholics Eddie Pepitone, Jimmy Dore; east/west coast atheists Sarah Silverman and David Feldma...
The Buddha Gautama's always smiling, just as the next Buddha Maitreya will be (Malovika)


Monk Budai (Hotei) aka "Happy Buddha"
We don't know for certain if Buddhists are the funniest, but Wisdom Quarterly aims to make it so. It's tough keeping up with the atheists and agnostics of all ethnicities and religious persuasions, who seem to make the best comedians. Here are some gags to give your friends the giggles.

1. Knock, knock.
Who's there?
A not a...
Anatta who?
*Crickets chirping*
 
2. This is not a pot belly; it's a fuel tank for a sex machine.

AUDIO: "Groundhog Dayne"
Tig has c*nc*r; go ahead, laugh (NewYorkTimes)
(ThisAmericanLife.org) Famous people are supposed to be somewhere else, invisible to us. Comedienne Tig Notaro tells a story about repeatedly running into Taylor Dayne, who was a pop star in the late 80s and early 90s. Tig hosts the podcast Professor Blastoff and has a comedy album called Good One. (16 mins.)

3. The last thing, the last thing I want to do is hurt you. It's on the list, but it's the last thing.

Whoop-whoop, let's hear it for me, MB in DC!
4. When Mitt Romney went up to concede the election to Barry Obama, Anne Romney got on stage with him. Then when Mitt finally conceded, Anne breathed a sigh of relief. She really wasn't looking forward to moving into a smaller house.

5. "VOTE! It's your right! (Offer not available in all states)."

6. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lilac.
Lilac who?
Lie like a politician and see how far you get.

"Ellen" talks to Suri's mom Katie (Anne Hathaway) on SNL (and says hi to Nicki Minaj tots)
   
7. Did you hear about the Buddhist coroner who got fired? He was great at his job. They just couldn't get him to stop writing "Birth" as the cause of death for every single one of his cases.      
   
Our nerd friends are geniuses
8. The Dalai Lama went into a pizza parlour and said, uh, something-something. "Make me one with everything"? No, no, he walked up to a hotdog stand barefoot in New York and got overcharged. He's always walking and always barefoot. He asked, "Where's my change?!" Then the vendor said something funny, but what was it? Something like, "Change comes from within"? No, no, he was barefoot, reeking from all the garlic on his pizza. He cried out in pain on account of a toothache from all the junk food. So the vendor directed him to the nearest dentist. The dentist saw that a tooth had to be pulled and asked His Holiness if he wanted some Novocaine, while offering him a breath-freshening mint. The old lama, as weak as he was, said "no," explaining that he would "transcend dental medication." And that's why he's known throughout the world as the "super-calloused fragile mystic exhibiting halitosis."
 
"Life in Hell" creator Matt Groening
9. An American tourist walks into a creepy old clock shop in Germany. The repairman barks: So? Vut seems to vee zee problem!? It's this antique grandfather clock I just bought, the tourist explains; it doesn't go "tick-tock, tick-tock." It just goes "tick, tick, tick..." Mmm-Hmm! relishes the repairman. I sink vee can fix zis. Let mee jusst look inside. Ve haf vays of making you tock. 9. They found a big hole in the wall around the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.
10. How do you find a vegan at a party? Don't worry, she'll find you.
  
The human Barbie doll (buzzfeed)
11. A ventriloquist was bombing on stage and desperately wondering what he could do to turn his act around. He suddenly remembered that when he was a stand-up, he could always get laughs telling Dumb Blond jokes. He started in on some standards, and before long he had the crowd roaring with laughter. Just as soon as he did, an angry blond in the back stood up and began to excoriate him: "Do you have any idea what it's like trying to live in this society with people like you perpetuating those kinds of stereotypes? The anguish I feel every time I apply for a job and they see that I'm blond and prejudge me..." The ventriloquist was dumbfounded, his jaw dropped, he turned beet red, as he struggled to apologize and explain. "Shut up!" the woman hurled. "I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to the little guy sitting on your lap."

12. A rich man married a young blond. "How are you ever going to keep her around?" his rich friends lamented. I'm not worried, he explained. I've got a circular driveway.   
  
Marilyn Monroe photos fetch $750,000
Marilyn Monroe photos fetch $750,000
 
(eddiepepitone.com)
13. A fundamentalist Christian preacher and a Catholic priest sat next to each other on a plane. When the flight attendant asked what they'd like to drink, the priest asked for a glass of wine. The preacher asked for water mentioning that true Christians avoid alcohol. The priest argued, "But Jesus drank wine" [lightly fermented Nazarene fruit juice in place of water]. The fundamentalist shot back, "I know, and I would have thought a lot more of him if he hadn't."

14. The blond scientists unveiled their plan to get a rocket to the moon. The crowd roared with laughter. The moderator asked about what he saw as an obvious problem: How do you intend to avoid being burned up? "Oh, that won't be a problem," one of the blond scientists explained. "We plan to go at night." End of Part 1 in three-part Wisdom Quarterly series
     
WARNING: Rated R. Sarah Silverman has a plan to feed the world.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Comedy: Elections vs. Reality (video)

Jimmy Dore, David Feldman; Seth, Xochitl, CC, Ashley Wells, Wisdom Quarterly


War. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Politics, on the other hand. What is that good for? Laughs! We would give up paying attention -- if it weren't so tragically FUNNY.
  
Everything will be all right. But while the ride is in motion, we sometimes forget ourselves. Then it can get hair-raising. Is Romney that much of an idiot, Obama that much of a liar, the secret movers and shakers (hidden behind the scenes manipulating the game) that "evil"?
  
HALLOWEEN JOKES
Seven, Wisdom Quarterly
A boy was devouring a sack of candy -- bar after bar -- when the old Zen master walked up to him hollering
  
"You stupid fool, you're going to die eating that much candy!"

"My grandfather lived to be 107," the boy explained and kept gobbling away.
 
The old master was surprised. "You mean he lived to be 107 by eating candy?"
  
"No," the boy answered, "by minding his own business."
---------
Q: Why did the cat fall out of the tree?
I don't know, why?
A: Because he was dead.
COMEDY: KPFK podcast FREE on iTunes
   
Is there compassion and kindness (karuna and metta) in today's cutting comedy? There may not be for those public figures being skewered. But there sure is for the majority of us forced to endure mass media disinformation campaigns and pernicious half-truths and bald-faced untruths of politicians and newsy talking heads.
  
Thank Comedy Central, Stephen Colbert, Sarah "Great Schlep" Silverman, Jon Stewart, Laura Kightlinger, Lisa Lampanelli, Seth MacFarlane, Southpark creators Matt and Trey, and the good ol' boys with the Red State Update!