This post will be about the steps on the Eight-fold path of Right Speech and Right thought.However, I do not wish to talk about the nuances of these two steps but rather talk about how they are influencing me right now.
There was a time when I didn't care much about life or anything else and I developed a pretty nasty habit of cussing. And sadly it still lingers with me to this day despite finding the Dharma. The seeds have been heavily watered so that there are great trees rooted in the fertile soil of my mind. This means that my habit of cussing is easily triggered and before I know it I am speaking in a very vulgar manner. Just about every dirty word you can imagine springs from my mouth now and then. The one that bothers me the worst is when I use the name "Jesus Christ." It makes me feel bad that I used the name of such a Holy Being in such a crass manner. It's such a strong habit to curse that way, however, that it's hard to catch it before it's said and "out there."
The other aspect of this is that I have a tendency to judge people and gossip. I find myself doing it all the time and I despise it. I try to just accept people for who they are but before I know it I'm criticizing people again!! Plus, having A.D.D. my mind tends to go where it shouldn't. My mind seems to enjoy taking me to the deepest, darkest places. Oh how it loves to torture me!! Ha!! I need to work on having good, non-judgmental, thoughts about people. I think my critical viewpoints have their genesis in a low self-esteem that I struggled with for many years.
Now I am much more accepting and loving toward myself but the critical judgments and attitudes toward others continue. It's also important not to judge and condemn myself too much either!!
I think (and am told that I am) a very loving and kind person. And I am toward my friends, family and most strangers. However, it is very difficult for me to not judge people I see that I have strong disagreements with. People that I guess I see as my "enemies" and that is part of the problem I think. I have a strong "us" and "them" mentality toward some people. Especially those that I see as opposite me. Such as neo-conservative, fundamentalist Christians. In some way I feel threatened by such polar opposites and so I feel like I have to be defensive and that leads to talking negative about them. I find it difficult to realize that certain people are apart of me whether I like it or not. It's hard for me to be loving toward President Bush for example.
Sigh.
So, when does positive criticism (say of our government and leaders) become an unskillful thing versus a civic duty? I follow engaged Buddhism that says it's important to work toward peace and other good things but to what degree does one "fight?" Where is the balance between our civic duty and our Buddhist practice?
Therefore, I have made it my goal to work on my speech and thoughts this year. It is my spiritual goal for this year. I am going to work hard to try and eliminate the dirty words from my vocabulary. It will be difficult but I am determined. Any suggestions on how to go about this goal? I know that I can't eliminate such talk right away but I want to reduce it as much as possible and hopefully overtime I can eliminate such words and judgmental talk altogether. Perhaps that's a dream to think we can "stop" our judgments. If we didn't have those kinds of thoughts then I guess we'd all have experienced parinivana by now, eh?!!
Perhaps it's shocking and maybe even disappointing that you know this about me but know that I am not perfect as none of us are. We all have our weaknesses and I have many but I am determined to work on them. And I do. Everyday. I work with each moment to see it as a new chance to begin a new with my thoughts, words and actions. Practicing the Dharma isn't always easy and it is a life-long, journey but it's worth it and I am making slow but steady progress. Thank goodness we have many chances to get it right.
Anyway, I'll stop rambling now. I hope some of this makes sense!!
~Peace to all beings~
