Meditation Guilt.

(gassho)

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been away. I needed a break. I took some time to empty my mind of everything Buddhist and simply live my life. I was holding onto Buddhism too tightly and needed to let go for awhile, so that I didn't loose perspective. It was a great reminder that even Buddhism itself can be an attachment. The time-off has reinvigorated my mind, my writing and commitment to the Dharma.

Today I wanted to write about meditation guilt. What do I mean by "meditation guilt?" Well, often the perception in western society of Buddhism is a religion centered upon meditation. Hollywood gives the impression that Buddhists are epitomized by a statuesque monk sitting endlessly for hours. While that is partly true, most can not maintain the commitment and practice of monks--they are essentially the professional athletes of meditation. If we expect to meditate like the monks do then we are surely setting ourselves up for disappointment, disillusionment and failure.

Traditionally, meditation hasn't been as central to the average Buddhist's life as is often the case in America. Kusala of the "Urban Dharma" blog elaborates:

For the most part, laity in immigrant Buddhism, like laity in Asia, don't engage in meditation -- a practice for the ascetic monks who are imitating the Buddha's lifestyle of renunciation. They don't expect to become enlightened beings like the Buddha.

Yet it seems a lot of "American Buddhists" are obsessed with meditation. I think some feel that meditation is a bit like prayer in Christianity. The perception being, if you aren't meditating daily then you are somehow "failing" as a Buddhist. The truth, of course, is that expecting to meditate daily like the monks is like expecting yourself to run a marathon without the time, body and training that regular runners can afford to give to their fitness. Monks have the luxury of not having a job and living in an environment where all worldly burdens are stripped, enabling the kind of focus and dedication needed to maintain a steady, meditation regime.

Does that mean meditation is pointless for non-monks? Or, that we shouldn't meditate? No, not at all. I think any monk would encourage meditation but I think we have too many expectations about meditation. We have to be realistic if we are going to stay committed to the Dharma, long-term. We expect ourselves to live up to a standard that few can do, and when we can't do it we punish ourselves with guilt. The guilt is truly unnecessary when you simply accept that you don't need to worry so much about enlightenment in this lifetime. Unless you are a monk, most of us Buddhists are just trying to be a better person for not just family, friends and strangers but for ourselves, too. Meditation is a wonderful way to re-calibrate and remind ourselves to stop and enjoy the moment. As well as the beauty and peace of being alive, in this moment, together--as one.

If a lay Buddhist finds they can, and want to meditate daily then by all means continue. I encourage meditation as a beneficial tool in dealing with the chaos of societal demands for greed, hatred and delusional thinking. However, don't expect yourself to be the Dalai Lama, Thich Nhat Hanh or even the average monk. I am of the belief that the number of monastics is low compared to the general population because their karma has prepared them for this moment for countless lifetimes. We don't have to become monks or "marathon meditation masters" to benefit to be faithful Buddhists.

Use this life to become better people, so that perhaps in a future life we will be ready, able and willing to reborn into better circumstances. The beauty, compassion and optimism about Buddhism is that we can be reborn anew each lifetime, so that we have plenty of opportunities to develop along the path of enlightenment. I think a lot of convert Buddhists (who are former Christians, like myself) still harbor the absolutism of that belief system. We haven't fully abandoned the subconscious fear of "not getting it right" in this one lifetime. In Christianity, of course, there is only this lifetime to "get it right" and if you "fail," that's it--no more chances. I think we still harbor that "all or nothing" mentality as newly converted Buddhists, which is often carried over into our expectations of meditation practice.

If you can meditate daily then obviously you'll get more from such a regular practice, but even irregular meditation can bring benefits. The key is to not feel guilty because you can't meditate like the monks--not many can. You aren't a "bad Buddhist" if you can't formally meditate daily. Besides, there are numerous forms of meditation, such as walking meditation. As you walk, you focus on your breath to be fully present in the moment and aware of the oneness between yourself, the natural world and those you encounter upon your walks. As well as being aware of how we are apart of the greater family or sangha of humanity. It is an active form of meditation that the physically restless often find easier and more beneficial. If you need other suggested ways of meditation, look into the writings and teachings of Zen master, Thich Nhat Hanh.

~I bow to the Buddha within you all~

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When Meditating, Let Go of Expectations.

It is important to sit with the clear intention to be present. At the same time, we need to let go of expectations. In a very real sense, what happens when we sit is none of our business.

The practice is to accept whatever arises instead of trying to control our experience. What we can control is our wise effort to be present with what is. We can spend a lot of our sitting time dwelling on memories of past sittings or fantasizing of those to come.

When we read or hear about the benefits of meditation, it is tempting to dwell on the stories of wonderful outcomes instead of doing the work of actualizing these possibilities ourselves. There can be a big gap between what we have read about and what is actually happening. Sitting is a way of putting our bodies behind our aspirations.

-Narayan Liebenson Grady, "The Refuge of Sitting" (Winter 2003)

James: Nothing breeds discouragement with our meditation practice more than having expectations of how it is "supposed to be." That is why I like this quote about using meditation to just be present with your mind in whatever state you find it in. To become aware of our mind and what it is reflecting from inside our subconsciousness at any given moment is enough practice to work on for a lifetime. As much as we like to think we have things figured out in this existence the reality is that most of us are clueless, and bumbling through life like an inexperienced boy scout crashing through the forest.

In keeping with the analogy, I was always told when I was a boy scout that if I ever got lost to just sit down next to a tree and stay in that area. It makes it easier for people to find you as you aren't a moving target and you don't waste energy needed to sustain being lost for an indefinite period of time. Spiritually, we are lost in the woods. The woods being samsara while staying put in one place is akin to sitting down to meditate and center our mind in one place. When our mind is resting in the present moment we stop wasting energy chasing expectations and come to terms with what's really going on in that spinning washing machine like mind of ours.

Only when we accept what is bubbling up from our subconsciousness can we truly understand what is causing our suffering. Yet (as the quote warns us) don't expect every meditation session to ease your suffering. It seems that meditation is a bit like a box of chocolates (as Forest Gump would say) "You never know what you're gonna get." Sometimes meditation can make you feel a bit worse before you feel better because it will dredge up a long hidden obstacle. But don't freak out and stop meditating--it's good to dig up that shit because you're now aware of it and being aware is useful because you know where to focus your energies. Regardless of what happens when you meditate, it's all beneficial. There is nothing in life that isn't beneficial. It's our mind that says otherwise but the mind is exactly where the problem lies in the first place!! We can't rely upon the very mind that deludes us to bring us back to reality.

The mind might not want to reflect on something painful and seek to cast it aside as unhelpful but perhaps that's the exact reason to NOT cast it aside but to focus extra attention upon it. Perhaps the mind casts it aside because it knows that to focus upon it would mean it would have to see things differently and it doesn't want to do that because old habits are hard to break. Yet habit energy is what propels us incessantly through this cycle of birth, death and rebirth. Habit energy is another way of saying karma.

The mind isn't our friend--It's a delusion in an of itself, so of course it's going to try and distract us with doubt, which is one of the five hindrances Buddha taught to be aware of. Meaning, even BUDDHA faced those obstacles to meditation or else how would he be aware of them to warn us? So, you're in good company in facing obstacles to your meditation practice--that's what I try to keep reminding myself. Buddha and countless other greats in Buddhist history faced similar trials. So, in it's basic form meditation is simply about watching the mind--keep a eye on it to see where it has led us astray and where it would continue to like to lead us astray. Above all else don't feel bad if you can't always formally meditate because awareness can be had while doing anything. Washing the dishes mindfully or taking a mindful walk around a park. That's the beauty of Buddhism--it can be practiced anywhere. Not just in a formal meditation posture.

ADDENDUM: Special thanks to Philip Ryan over at Tricycle for the quote.

~Peace to all beings~

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The Cure.

Just like a fever breaks, last night I felt a deep and rejuvenating release from the rising waters that had crested yesterday with my, "discouraged" post. It isn't the "cure" of liberation from the cycle of suffering and rebirth but rather a break in the fever that is discouragement. Writing out my emotions has long helped me process the disorienting thoughts that ensnares all of our minds. It is a form of honesty, which is a trait that I've been blessed and cursed with. Blessed in the sense that it helps me dissect confusing emotions with direct and exacting examination but cursed only in the sense that such honesty means facing sometimes painful and uncomfortable realities. Yet, despite the discomfort it seems to be one of the most direct and effective ways of dealing with obstacles and discouragement.

This release was initiated with my honest writings yesterday, and the sympathetic comments helped me let go of my guilt that somehow I was "failing" as a Buddhist. Intuitively I knew this deep within the recesses of my mind but hearing it from outside yourself always seems to help convince you that what you suspected is in fact reality, and not just your mind tricking you yet again with another delusion.

So, last night lying in bed I had the most unconventional yet therapuetic meditation. Lying in bed I embraced the exhaustion of the day and just enjoyed the feeling of my tired body being cradled by our cloud-like bed. The soft, soothing, rhythmic breathing of my wife cuddled against me brought me a deep sense of calm. Being fully present in the moment I was aware of my own chest rising and falling with deep, natural breaths. Absorbing the feeling as the boundaries and limits between my body and my immediate surroundings blended into the music of the band, "The Cure." Thus, the title of the post.

Feeling limitless yet grounded at the same time--like the sky stretching from horizon to horizon, free to flow yet held from disappearing into outer space by the grounding power of gravity. As I floated about in this state of pure awareness I soon drifted off in a deep restful sleep. Today I awoke feeling like a huge weight was lifted from my mind. A new day has dawned and yet I am thankful for the reminder lesson I was given in my months of struggle. As they say, "It's always darkness before the dawn" and yesterday was that darkest water mark before it crested and ebbed to make way for pure, stabilizing balance that comes from a deep grounding of oneness.

~Peace to all beings~

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Discouraged.

***WARNING: LONG Rant ahead that's not your typical "Kittens and flowers" Buddhist post***

I'm struggling lately in my Dharma practice. I haven't meditated in months--not because I don't want to because I do, but I just can't get myself to do it. A large part of it is my mental illness that makes finding motivation extra challenging. Especially when the heavy medicating drugs I have to take to prevent mania and psychotic episodes zap me further of the will to do much of anything. It's difficult to fully convey how difficult it is to over-come.

Furthermore, I deal with a constant level of depression just beneath the surface of even my best days where I feel fairly decent. And please don't say, "Everyone gets depressed" because deep, clinical depression isn't like just having a bad day. Irregardless of that it's just an insensitive thing to say to someone who is living with clinical depression. It's chronic and biologically based on chemical imbalances in the brain.

And it's not as easy as just taking a pill because I already do, and still there is this underlying level of feeling like life isn't worth it. People think just because there are medications that they are cures--they help take the corners off the sharpest symptoms but they don't "cure" you in the sense that they don't bring you to the level of those who don't live with a severe mental illness.

Ironically, I was attracted in part to Buddhism because of it's psychological benefits, and I still believe it has immense help for those dealing with mental illness. However, Buddhism is difficult for anyone let alone for people with mental health challenges (unless you're enlightened, and how many can honestly claim that?). And it seems that the more I think I know about Buddhism the less I actually do. Everyone loves that "honeymoon phase" when you first taste the Dharma and it literally changes the way you see the world for the better but then the nitty-gritty, hard work begins and at times you stop and ask yourself, "Is this really worth it?"

It is. Buddhism can be a real bitch, and sometimes I wish I could just adhere to a religion where blind faith was about all I needed to do. However, I have felt those fleeting moments of enlightenment too profoundly to abandon the Dharma. I'm just discouraged about how poor my practice is right now, and has been for some time. An aspect of this discouragement stems from a lot of anger that I struggle with on a daily basis, which is, in part, again, rooted in the schizoaffective disorder.

I have Attention Deficit Disorder (or, A.D.D.) in conjunction with the affective side of things (affective simply means mood disorder, or bipolar. So, schizoaffective disorder is a combination of some schizophrenic symptoms and some bipolar symptoms). A.D.D. is a condition, which (in part) prevents the brain from being able to screen out stimuli that most people can relegate to the background.

So, while I am also hearing and listening to you talking to me, I can also hear at the same time: birds chirping outside, the kids screaming in their yard as they play, the traffic noise, the humming of the refrigerator and other appliances, the lawn mower going in the distance, etc. and I can't screen it out to focus simply on the conversation. All of this noise at once raises the stress in my mind and makes me impatient with the inability to focus on just one sound, which often makes me angry. In addition, I am hyper-aware of what is going on in the world and I get so angry because I just see humanity (and especially here in America) doing everything it can to destroy itself, its environment, its economy, its political system of democracy, its compassion for those who need assistance, its decency toward others in public places, its health care system, its acceptance of minorities and those of different sexual orientation, and on and on.

It makes me wonder what's the point of doing anything?!! Why participate in society and voting when it doesn't seem to make a difference or matter. What is the difference between letting karma do it's thing and predestination because some Buddhists seem to just shrug their shoulders in the face of struggles as if to say, "Eh, it's just karma doing its thing--what's the point?" And, yes, I know that suffering is inevitable and everywhere. I know that the world is not the place to look for stability. However, it seems that in response, many Buddhists take the default position to disconnect from society and disregard politics.

Yet, I struggle with this solution because it seems rather fatalistic, nihilistic and a form of avoidance. It seems to me that we owe it to ourselves to try and do our best to make it a better world--even if it can never be perfect. Aren't we making things worse if we just disconnect from society? Don't we have a duty to try our best to help build a better society? What if everyone just disregarded politics and civic responsibilities? Isn't it a bit selfish in a way? If no one tried to maintain some sort level of a stable world then it seems to me that some dictator would just take advantage of that and wipe out whole sections of the globe. Isn't that basically just letting suffering multiply? It's one thing to realize that suffering on some level is inevitable. However, to just disconnect seems to ironically cause more suffering from less and less good-hearted people participating to crafting how a country's general society behaves.

I'm certainly not giving up on Buddhism by any stretch but I'm discouraged today and it has been building. I guess my discouragement is with a lot of things but my Buddhist practice has me a bit frustrated, dispirited and depressed. I know it's not Buddhism that is the problem, and I know that I have a lot of work to do but please don't just post simplistic comments saying things like, "All you have to do is 'A' or 'B.'" Or, "You're problem is 'X.'"Everyone is full of advise but it's all easier said than done.

I'm not necessarily looking for answers, or advice--just some sympathy and assurance that I'm not the only one with these discouragements. I mean, intuitively I know that I'm not the only one but the things I hear sometimes from my fellow Buddhists makes me feel like I missed out on some meeting where everyone gained enlightenment. I'm not any kind of expert and I've got plenty of rust around the edges but I am always skeptical of people who seem to think they have it all figured out and that they're going to set everyone straight on how to be like them.

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Be not Afraid of Growing Slowly.

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.

-Chinese Proverb

James: This quote really resonated in my heart today because I often feel like my practice isn't where it should be, but how could it be anywhere except where it is? I must keep reminding myself (gently, of course) that there is no moment but this moment and that you can't get "there" without being here first. I use, "there" in quotations because in this case, "there" refers to realizing enlightenment and liberation from suffering--not an actual destination someplace in the ethereal future as we know that the future is but a hologram.

It can be easy to be discouraged and think, "I'm not meditating enough" or long-enough but even Buddha got discouraged. He studied with several mystics before his enlightenment but was eventually discouraged by their teachings, which he felt unsatisfied with. In addition, he pursued extreme aestheticism only to be discouraged by it. During his meditation under the Bodhi tree, before his enlightenment, he was tempted by desires to abandon his practice. He could have easily given up after all of these events but he pressed on not knowing what would come next until he shattered the hold of the ego and realized enlightenment.

Something else to consider is that our sense of progress is too often seen through the eyes of the mind, which demands immediate, Earth-shattering and over-whelming results. So it can be hard sometimes to see our progress; especially since progress seems to unfold in increments. Yet even the lotus seed has to burst up through seemingly unending layers of mud and inches of murky, shifting water to eventually reach the top of the water to bloom in the sun. Our journey is similar. It seems like an impossible journey yet it has to be such for if the lotus grew instantly to the surface the stem wouldn't be strong enough to hold the enlightened flower.

So, we too must build a strong base or foundation for our practice. Thus, we don't need to worry so much about how "fast" we're growing in our practice. We can only grow as fast as our karma will allow. There is a lesson in everything and just because someone might seem "advanced" on the path doesn't mean they aren't having difficulties on their way to the sun too!! The goal isn't to keep up with some Zen master or those around you whom you consider stronger meditators but rather that we keep growing--period. I realized that wanting to be further along in my practice is giving into the desire for being better than others. It's hard to accept it but that's at the root because why would we be unhappy with our practice if we weren't trying to, not only keep up with others, but outdo them? As if it's a race to see who realizes enlightenment first. No, it's better for me to stay happy with where I am because like it or not, that is the only true reality. The rest is destructive delusion.

~Peace to all beings~

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