JOKES II: The Buddhist Comic! (video)

Editors, Wisdom Quarterly; R. Shultz; Ven. Yuttadhammo; G. Keillor; J. Rogan; S. MacFarlane...

Buddhist stand up? Oh no! Dying on stage with an American sense of humor and timing

  
Seven Minutes and 10 Seconds of Suffering
Ron Schultz, the Buddhist Comic

Bryan Krasner as Budai (sacredfools.com)

Thank you, thank you. Great to be here with you tonight at the Christian Comedy Club.

I am the Buddhist Comic. Thank you, thank you.

You know, I can feel the emptiness of the room. Can't you?

There's not a great difference between the Christians and the Buddhists -- unless, of course, you take into account that the Buddhists don't believe in an eternal God. I suppose that's a pretty big difference.

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Laugh with J. tonight only...

Anyway, I want to assure you all that being a Buddhist comic, you're not going to be hearing a bunch of "make me one with everything" jokes, or vacuums with too many attachments, or schizophrenic Buddhists who want to be two with everything. He-he. There won't even be any, "How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?" [koans/jokes]. Tree in golden forest.
 

Well, okay, let let me give you an example of what you are going to hear. Okay, so there are these two colleagues. They go into a bar. And one says to the other, "I hear you're a Buddhist?" 

MoonDoxy, Fat Happy Hotei

And the Buddhist says, "Yeah, you want to make something out of it?" Thank you, no, no, really, yes.

Okay, well, let me explain this a little. You see, the Buddhist thinks there's no such thing as independent self-arising. They don't think that anything comes into being by itself. Everything is what they call dependent arising. Everything is compounded, made of something else.

So, of course, this gets me thinking. And I decide to ask my guru a question that keeps coming up for me. So I go to him and I say, "Rinpoche," which is what I call him, "Rinpoche, isn't masturbation an example of 'self-arising'?" And he smiles, and he says, "No, no, it's just clinging to self." Ha-ha. Thanks, thanks a lot.
  

"Won't be needing this" (Mr Will Coles)

You know, I started thinking maybe I'm thinking too much about this whole thing. So, so one day I'm looking through the paper, and I discover this group, Thinkers Anonymous. I think it's perfect, right? So I go to my first meeting, and it's my turn, and I say, "Hi, my name's Ron, and I haven't had a thought in... Oh, wait a minute, I just had a thought. Wait a minute, I just had another thought!

You know, thinking about thinking, one of my favorite Buddhist jokes is actually about one of the greatest Western philosophers, Rene Descartes. So you see, Rene Descartes goes into his favorite bar.
  
And the bartender says, "Oh, Mssr. Descartes, Mssr. Descartes! How nice to see you! Will it be the usual?"

And Rene Descartes says, "I think not" and disappears. Thank you, ha ha. This must be what the sound of one hand clapping sounds like. Ha ha ha.

I tell you, these Buddhists are a funny lot, aren't they? I mean, the first enlightened thing the Buddha says is, "Everything is suffering." Pretty funny stuff, huh? And then one someone asks him, "You mean, EVERYTHING is suffering?" And the Buddha says, "Isn't it?"

Heh.  Hey, thanks, no. Anyone enlightened yet!?
 

ASK A MONK: Is humor or finding things humorous allowed in Buddhism?
  

Hey, hey, speaking of that, How many Buddhists does it take to screw in an enlightenment-bulb? Hey what's enlightenment anyway! HEY. Come on, I'm dying here.

I'm just kidding. Actually, I'm not kidding. There's something you don't get from your other ways of being, huh? The Buddhists love talking about dying. "Impermanence," they call it. Now, if that ain't funny, I don't know what is.

So what's the good news here? Actually, that's it. No matter what, we're dying. Some of us a little sooner than others. Yeah.

Family Guy: "The Dangers of Religion"

Well, um, I guess the good news is here we always got karma, huh? Good ol' cause-condition-and-effect karma. You know, it's because of our karma that we're all here together today. How lucky is that? Just us chickens.

Hey, did you hear about the one about the Buddhist chicken? Ha ha ha. Nah, I'm just kidding there. There aren't any Buddhist chickens. Well, I guess my time is up.

You get it? That's an impermanence joke. Anyway, before I'm done here, I want to leave you with a paraphrase of that great semi-Buddhist comic Steven Wright: "I don't want a p*nis. Where would I put it?" Hey, hey, hey, thanks. You've been real.

Ladies and gentleman, "the Buddhist Comic"!

Audio: the Buddhist Comic
Listen to audio of the only known performance of the Buddhist Comic

It's not funny because it's true
Comedian-philosopher Joe Rogan off of DMT and into a reality that's stranger than fiction: "The American War Machine" a.k.a. our Military-Industrial Complex

THE JOKE SHOW
Garrison Keillor, Prairie Home Companion (APM/PublicRadio.org)
An old woman gets on a plane in New York and flies to Tibet. She gets off the plane, climbs a mountain to the monastery. She bangs on the door. No answer. She bangs some more. Finally the door opens and a monk says to her, "What do you want?"

"I'm here to see the lama," the woman insists. "He's busy! He's meditating right now," the monk says abruptly as begins to close the door. The woman wedges her foot in the door saying, "I'll wait." The monk, seeing no easy alternative, opens the door and welcomes the woman in: "Take a seat; have some brown rice."

The woman waits and waits for hours then finally the heavy inner chamber doors begin to open. Incense smoke swirls out. And there in the splendor of his magnificent saffron robes and bald head stands the lama. And the woman shouts, "Sheldon! Enough! It's time to come home!" MORE:



God's Money

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest... The three church leaders were talking about tithing and the division of donations in their religions. One explained that in his tradition, he gathered all that had been given. Then he drew a small circle and tossed the money in the air. "Whatever falls in the circle is God's, the rest is mine." Another explained that he did the same thing, except he drew a big circle, kept whatever landed in it, and the rest was for God. They turned to ask the third what he did. And he explained that he didn't draw any circles. He just threw the money up in the air so God could take his share. Whatever fell to the ground, that was his money. 

-Anonymous

"When I was little, I prayed every night for a bike. Then when I grew up, I learned that God does not work that way. So I stole a bike for my own kid and asked God to forgive me."

- Marvin Purser, Hollywood, Florida

A millionaire renounces trade, turns over all his money to the church, and enters the monastery. The rules are strict. No luxuries, no commodities, and he is only allowed to speak a single word every seven years. After seven years, he is brought into the abbot's office and asked what his word is. "Hungry" he mumbles. The abbot gives him a bowl of soup and sends him back to his cell. Seven years later, he is asked again. He says "cold." The abbot gives him a blanket and sends him back. Seven years after that he comes in on his own and breaks the rule by saying two words, "I quit!" The abbot looks at him and says, "I'm not surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

"I was into 'extreme couponing' back when it was just called 'holding up the line.'"

- Lisa Ann Walter

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Meditation: gaining "absorption" (jhana)

Gary Sanders (Dharma Punx), edited by Seth Auberon, CC Liu, Wisdom Quarterly

Every counterpart sign or nimitta is different prior to jhana (lemeach/tumblr.com)

 

(simpsoncrazy.com)

I have purposely not done a lot of reading on the meditative absorptions (jhanas). My thinking has been, "The Buddha mastered them and found they weren't the 'be all, end all,' so why bother?" This was what I thought until a retreat I sat this summer.

A big motivation for going on a retreat in Northern California at Spirit Rock led by Theravada Buddhist nuns was

• to push myself
• to step outside of my comfort zone
• to go on retreat with teachers I wasn't already friends with
• to be  surrounded by people I'm not closely connected to
• to visit a place I haven't been before. 

The week-long retreat started off great. The first two days were a relief, decompressing from the daily grind of being a suburban working father of two, a husband, an Against the Stream Buddhist Mediation Society recovery group leader, a Santa Clarita [Saint Clare/Sainted Clarity] Valley mindfulness meditation circle facilitator, and music lover.

Spirit Rock is beautiful, very peaceful with rolling landscapes, and I felt great to be there. Then came the pain. I'd never experienced pain this bad on retreat. It started with my knees leading me to escape to a chair for a bit. Then it got worse. My lower back was screaming in pain, and more of my sitting had to be done in a chair. I even graduated to standing when pain and sleepiness got overwhelming. That was all just "pain," which could not compare to the "suffering" to come:

"What, me worry?"

Doubt and anger started creeping in. I began imagining, "These nuns are sadistic! How can we do silent hour-long sits WITHOUT guidance!?" "If I can't handle this, all these old people must really be hurting!!" "I can't even do metta (loving-kindness meditation) anymore; I'll never be able to do it again!"

We had exit interviews on the second to last day. I talked a little about what was arising. Then to my good fortune, before the last sit of the night, I ran into one of the nuns outside the quiet zone. We talked about my practice, and I got some answers. 

I described what had been happening for awhile in my practice, which turned out to be "access concentration." The nun told me about a technique -- picking one spot on the tip of the nose or nostrils and just staying exclusively on that single spot. She told me more, but apart from the subtleties, this was the salient point. Stick with a single spot to the exclusion of everything else.

I went into the last 60 minute sit of the night, taking to the cushion in Burmese pose, focusing just on a point inside one nostril. I stayed there like a cat at a mouse hole. 

Success

"Heyyy, it's all good!"

Before long, ALL of the hindrances fell away. With persistent effort, I stayed on that spot the whole sit. I sat like a ROCK. No pain, no discomfort, and to my astonishment, I felt an overwhelming joy (piti) washed through me. [Perhaps my earlier pain had been a clearing or an obstacle hindering me and encouraging me to give up like my very own struggle with "Mara"?]

The bell rang an hour later as the group called it a night. I was still glowing. The rest of the night, I felt blissful, effervescent, full of joy. It was spilling out of me. My original intention for going on retreat came to mind. I was flooded with total appreciation for both nuns leading. I slept like a baby.

The next morning was our first and only sit of the day. I went right to the single point of focus again. BUT this time it didn't take much effort at all. With zero hindrances, I sat like a rock, euphoric, saturated with joy. Time FLEW by.

Cut to today. I've read up on the meditative absorptions, the jhanas, a bit. I have been practicing the single point of focus a lot, but not necessarily as a daily practice. And I have not been reaching the joy and bliss I experienced on retreat. 

Recently, I read [Ayya Khema's student] Leigh Brasington's instructions on reaching the first jhana. I followed his instructions thoroughly. I started with loving-kindness for myself then went to the single point of concentration. 

Joy

"Who me, worried? Ha!"

Once the breath started to become barely noticeable [because the real object of meditation is not gross breathing but this very subtle breath, the calmed breath, which one could speculate may be prana], I stayed with that then switched to the pleasant feeling of the semi-smile I'd been holding most of the sit.

 

[Where attention goes, energy flows.] As that pleasant feeling built up more and more, I felt my smile grow bigger than my head. It was smiling on its own. I didn't will it. I wasn't trying to smile. The pleasant wholesome sensation -- which was more pleasing than the sensual pleasure I'd been chasing all my life -- seemed to be swirling, flowing, in motion. It was taking over my whole head, then my whole body then, surprisingly, it just kept expanding outside of my body, my environment... 

Not sure how long it was, but I stayed with it until it seemed to just fade a little. Once I felt grounded in my own body, I got off the cushion. It was quite late at night, and I felt very joyful and contented. Again I got to sleep like a baby. [Maybe this is what Zen means by beginner's mind, throttling back the breath to the softest purr, a sweet infantile innocence and peace.]

The Five Hindrances

Wisdom Quarterly edit of Wikipedia entry hindrances

(Quest4pce/flickr)

Five negative mental states impede success with meditation (jhāna and bhāvanā) and lead away from enlightenment and nirvana. These states are:

1. Sensual desire: craving for pleasurable stimulation of the senses
2. Anger or ill-will: feelings of malice, annoyance, aversion
3. Sluggishness-sleepiness (sloth-torpor): lack of physical or mental energy
4. Restlessness-worry: the inability to calm the mind
5. Skeptical doubt: lack of conviction, confidence, trust

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What is compassion, what is wisdom?

Ven. Dhammika (Buddhanet.net); edited by Dhr. Seven, Wisdom Quarterly

The Buddha's eyes of wisdom, Maitreya, Thiksey Monastery, Ladakh, India (dailymail.co.uk)

I often hear Buddhists talk about wisdom and compassion. What do these two terms mean?

Some religions believe that compassion or love (the two are very similar) is the most important spiritual quality, but they fail to develop any wisdom.

The result may be ending up a good-hearted fool, a very kind person with little or no understanding.

Other systems of thought, like science, believe that wisdom can best be developed when all emotions, including compassion, are kept out of the way. The outcome of this is that science has tended to become preoccupied with cold results and has forgotten that science should serve not destroy us or make corporations rich. It is out of greed for money, not hate, that scientists lend their skills to developing nuclear waste, bombs, germ warfare, plastic xenoestrogens, and the like.

 

Religion sees reason and wisdom as the enemy of emotions like love and faith. Science sees emotions like love and faith as enemies of reason and objectivity. Science progresses, religion declines.

Buddhism, on the other hand, teaches that to be a balanced and complete individual, we must develop both wisdom and compassion. This is the highest wisdom; this is the greatest compassion. It is not dogmatic. Buddhism bases this on actual experience. Buddhism has nothing to fear from science.

 

According to Buddhism, what is wisdom?

Sensual-pleasure is low, jhana is high (H-K-D)

The highest wisdom is seeing that in reality all phenomena are incomplete, impermanent, and not self. This understanding totally frees our hearts and leads to the great security and happiness called nirvana. However, the Buddha doesn't speak too much about this level of wisdom. It is not wisdom if we simply "believe" what we are told. Real wisdom is something to directly see and understand.

At an ordinary level, then, wisdom is to keep an open mind rather than being closed-minded, listening to other points of view rather than being bigoted, carefully examining facts that contradict our beliefs rather than burying our heads in the sand, being objective rather than prejudiced, taking time to form opinions and beliefs rather than accepting the first or most emotional thing that is offered to us, and it means remaining flexible and strong rather than stiff and brittle about what we believe.

We are wise to be ready to change our beliefs when facts that contradict them are presented to us. The Buddha's advice to the Kalama people was not to believe nothing. It was to investigate and see for oneself so that what one believes agrees with one's own experience.

A person who does this is certainly wise and is certain to eventually arrive at higher (liberating) understanding. The path of just believing what we are told would be silly and easy. The Buddha's PATH is a practice that requires courage, patience, flexibility, intelligence, and compassion.

 

So we arrive at compassion. According to Buddhism, what is compassion?

Imperfect translation has heart in the right place (zazzle.com)

Just as wisdom covers the intellectual or comprehending side of our nature, compassion covers the empathic (emotional) or feeling side of our nature.

Like wisdom, compassion is a deeply human quality. Compassion is made up of two words, "co" meaning together and "passion" meaning strong feeling.

And this is what compassion is. When we see someone in distress, we feel their pain as if it were our own -- so naturally we strive to eliminate or reduce their pain. This is compassion (karuna), the active side of love (metta,  loving-kindness, friendliness).

All the best in human beings, all the Buddha-like qualities like sharing, readiness to give comfort, sympathy, unselfishness, concern, and caring -- these are all manifestations of compassion.

Notice that in the compassionate person, care and love toward others originates in care and love for oneself. They are not mutually opposed. It is best to care for other while caring for oneself. They are mutually supportive activities.

(Playing the role of martyr makes two people miserable, ourselves and other. We give rise to pride or resentment. Then if someone helps us, we feel guilt. This is no way to practice compassion).

We can really understand others when we really understand ourselves. We can give to others when we give to ourselves. Selflessness does not mean self-abnegation; it means seeing that things are really impersonal so we can give them up, give up clinging, give up greed, give up selfishness. This is wisdom as it feeds compassion.

We will know what's best for others when we know what's best for ourselves. We can feel for others when we feel for ourselves. So in Buddhism, one's own spiritual development blossoms naturally into concern for the welfare of others.

The Buddha's life illustrates this very well. It was not one of sitting in the Himalayas, as he had done in past lives cultivating absorption (jhana) and developing good qualities, simply withdrawn enjoying the bliss of meditation.

He spent six years struggling for his own welfare, striving to be of benefit to the whole of the human world and the devas.

So you are saying that we are best able to help others after we have helped ourselves. Isn't that a bit selfish?

We usually see altruism, concern for others before oneself, as being the opposite of selfishness, concern for oneself before others. Buddhism does not see it as either one or the other but rather as a blending of the two. 

Genuine self-concern gradually matures into concern for others as one sees that others are really in the same boat, suffering in many of the same ways, not so different from oneself. 

This is genuine compassion, and it is the most beautiful jewel among the many treasures of the Buddha's teachings.

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JOKES: Buddhists are funny! (video)

LA Buddhists Seth Auberon, Jordan Kramer, Frank Miles, Wisdom Quarterly (edited by Seven); Scandinavian Lutherans Garrison Keillor and Friends; Italian lapsed-Catholics Eddie Pepitone, Jimmy Dore; east/west coast atheists Sarah Silverman and David Feldma...

The Buddha Gautama's always smiling, just as the next Buddha Maitreya will be (Malovika)

Monk Budai (Hotei) aka "Happy Buddha"

We don't know for certain if Buddhists are the funniest, but Wisdom Quarterly aims to make it so. It's tough keeping up with the atheists and agnostics of all ethnicities and religious persuasions, who seem to make the best comedians. Here are some gags to give your friends the giggles.

1. Knock, knock.

Who's there?

A not a...

Anatta who?

*Crickets chirping*

 

2. This is not a pot belly; it's a fuel tank for a sex machine.

AUDIO: "Groundhog Dayne"

Tig has c*nc*r; go ahead, laugh (NewYorkTimes)

(ThisAmericanLife.org) Famous people are supposed to be somewhere else, invisible to us. Comedienne Tig Notaro tells a story about repeatedly running into Taylor Dayne, who was a pop star in the late 80s and early 90s. Tig hosts the podcast Professor Blastoff and has a comedy album called Good One. (16 mins.)

3. The last thing, the last thing I want to do is hurt you. It's on the list, but it's the last thing.

Whoop-whoop, let's hear it for me, MB in DC!

4. When Mitt Romney went up to concede the election to Barry Obama, Anne Romney got on stage with him. Then when Mitt finally conceded, Anne breathed a sigh of relief. She really wasn't looking forward to moving into a smaller house.

5. "VOTE! It's your right! (Offer not available in all states)."

6. Knock knock.

Who's there?

Lilac.

Lilac who?

Lie like a politician and see how far you get.

"Ellen" talks to Suri's mom Katie (Anne Hathaway) on SNL (and says hi to Nicki Minaj tots)
   

7. Did you hear about the Buddhist coroner who got fired? He was great at his job. They just couldn't get him to stop writing "Birth" as the cause of death for every single one of his cases.      
   

Our nerd friends are geniuses

8. The Dalai Lama went into a pizza parlour and said, uh, something-something. "Make me one with everything"? No, no, he walked up to a hotdog stand barefoot in New York and got overcharged. He's always walking and always barefoot. He asked, "Where's my change?!" Then the vendor said something funny, but what was it? Something like, "Change comes from within"? No, no, he was barefoot, reeking from all the garlic on his pizza. He cried out in pain on account of a toothache from all the junk food. So the vendor directed him to the nearest dentist. The dentist saw that a tooth had to be pulled and asked His Holiness if he wanted some Novocaine, while offering him a breath-freshening mint. The old lama, as weak as he was, said "no," explaining that he would "transcend dental medication." And that's why he's known throughout the world as the "super-calloused fragile mystic exhibiting halitosis."

 

"Life in Hell" creator Matt Groening

9. An American tourist walks into a creepy old clock shop in Germany. The repairman barks: So? Vut seems to vee zee problem!? It's this antique grandfather clock I just bought, the tourist explains; it doesn't go "tick-tock, tick-tock." It just goes "tick, tick, tick..." Mmm-Hmm! relishes the repairman. I sink vee can fix zis. Let mee jusst look inside. Ve haf vays of making you tock. 9. They found a big hole in the wall around the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

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10. How do you find a vegan at a party? Don't worry, she'll find you.
  

The human Barbie doll (buzzfeed)

11. A ventriloquist was bombing on stage and desperately wondering what he could do to turn his act around. He suddenly remembered that when he was a stand-up, he could always get laughs telling Dumb Blond jokes. He started in on some standards, and before long he had the crowd roaring with laughter. Just as soon as he did, an angry blond in the back stood up and began to excoriate him: "Do you have any idea what it's like trying to live in this society with people like you perpetuating those kinds of stereotypes? The anguish I feel every time I apply for a job and they see that I'm blond and prejudge me..." The ventriloquist was dumbfounded, his jaw dropped, he turned beet red, as he struggled to apologize and explain. "Shut up!" the woman hurled. "I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to the little guy sitting on your lap."

12. A rich man married a young blond. "How are you ever going to keep her around?" his rich friends lamented. I'm not worried, he explained. I've got a circular driveway.   
  

Marilyn Monroe photos fetch $750,000

 

(eddiepepitone.com)

13. A fundamentalist Christian preacher and a Catholic priest sat next to each other on a plane. When the flight attendant asked what they'd like to drink, the priest asked for a glass of wine. The preacher asked for water mentioning that true Christians avoid alcohol. The priest argued, "But Jesus drank wine" [lightly fermented Nazarene fruit juice in place of water]. The fundamentalist shot back, "I know, and I would have thought a lot more of him if he hadn't."

14. The blond scientists unveiled their plan to get a rocket to the moon. The crowd roared with laughter. The moderator asked about what he saw as an obvious problem: How do you intend to avoid being burned up? "Oh, that won't be a problem," one of the blond scientists explained. "We plan to go at night." End of Part 1 in three-part Wisdom Quarterly series
     

WARNING: Rated R. Sarah Silverman has a plan to feed the world.

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Comedy: Elections vs. Reality (video)

Jimmy Dore, David Feldman; Seth, Xochitl, CC, Ashley Wells, Wisdom Quarterly

War. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Politics, on the other hand. What is that good for? Laughs! We would give up paying attention -- if it weren't so tragically FUNNY.

  

Everything will be all right. But while the ride is in motion, we sometimes forget ourselves. Then it can get hair-raising. Is Romney that much of an idiot, Obama that much of a liar, the secret movers and shakers (hidden behind the scenes manipulating the game) that "evil"?

  
HALLOWEEN JOKES

Seven, Wisdom Quarterly
A boy was devouring a sack of candy -- bar after bar -- when the old Zen master walked up to him hollering. 

  

"You stupid fool, you're going to die eating that much candy!"

"My grandfather lived to be 107," the boy explained and kept gobbling away.

 

The old master was surprised. "You mean he lived to be 107 by eating candy?"

  

"No," the boy answered, "by minding his own business."

---------
Q: Why did the cat fall out of the tree?
I don't know, why?
A: Because he was dead.

• Halloween riddles, duds, and puns (PsychologyToday.com) 
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COMEDY: KPFK podcast FREE on iTunes

   
Is there compassion and kindness (karuna and metta) in today's cutting comedy? There may not be for those public figures being skewered. But there sure is for the majority of us forced to endure mass media disinformation campaigns and pernicious half-truths and bald-faced untruths of politicians and newsy talking heads.

  

Thank Comedy Central, Stephen Colbert, Sarah "Great Schlep" Silverman, Jon Stewart, Laura Kightlinger, Lisa Lampanelli, Seth MacFarlane, Southpark creators Matt and Trey, and the good ol' boys with the Red State Update!

  

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