What must they think in space? (cartoon)

Tom Tomorrow "This Modern World"; Wisdom Quarterly

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JOKES II: The Buddhist Comic! (video)

Editors, Wisdom Quarterly; R. Shultz; Ven. Yuttadhammo; G. Keillor; J. Rogan; S. MacFarlane...

Buddhist stand up? Oh no! Dying on stage with an American sense of humor and timing

  
Seven Minutes and 10 Seconds of Suffering
Ron Schultz, the Buddhist Comic

Bryan Krasner as Budai (sacredfools.com)

Thank you, thank you. Great to be here with you tonight at the Christian Comedy Club.

I am the Buddhist Comic. Thank you, thank you.

You know, I can feel the emptiness of the room. Can't you?

There's not a great difference between the Christians and the Buddhists -- unless, of course, you take into account that the Buddhists don't believe in an eternal God. I suppose that's a pretty big difference.

• JOKES I: Buddhists are funny! (video)
• Year-End "Comics Issue" (LA Weekly)
• Buddhist JOKES: Do Dalai Lamas laugh?
• A new Buddhist joke (finally)

Laugh with J. tonight only...

Anyway, I want to assure you all that being a Buddhist comic, you're not going to be hearing a bunch of "make me one with everything" jokes, or vacuums with too many attachments, or schizophrenic Buddhists who want to be two with everything. He-he. There won't even be any, "How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?" [koans/jokes]. Tree in golden forest.
 

Well, okay, let let me give you an example of what you are going to hear. Okay, so there are these two colleagues. They go into a bar. And one says to the other, "I hear you're a Buddhist?" 

MoonDoxy, Fat Happy Hotei

And the Buddhist says, "Yeah, you want to make something out of it?" Thank you, no, no, really, yes.

Okay, well, let me explain this a little. You see, the Buddhist thinks there's no such thing as independent self-arising. They don't think that anything comes into being by itself. Everything is what they call dependent arising. Everything is compounded, made of something else.

So, of course, this gets me thinking. And I decide to ask my guru a question that keeps coming up for me. So I go to him and I say, "Rinpoche," which is what I call him, "Rinpoche, isn't masturbation an example of 'self-arising'?" And he smiles, and he says, "No, no, it's just clinging to self." Ha-ha. Thanks, thanks a lot.
  

"Won't be needing this" (Mr Will Coles)

You know, I started thinking maybe I'm thinking too much about this whole thing. So, so one day I'm looking through the paper, and I discover this group, Thinkers Anonymous. I think it's perfect, right? So I go to my first meeting, and it's my turn, and I say, "Hi, my name's Ron, and I haven't had a thought in... Oh, wait a minute, I just had a thought. Wait a minute, I just had another thought!

You know, thinking about thinking, one of my favorite Buddhist jokes is actually about one of the greatest Western philosophers, Rene Descartes. So you see, Rene Descartes goes into his favorite bar.
  
And the bartender says, "Oh, Mssr. Descartes, Mssr. Descartes! How nice to see you! Will it be the usual?"

And Rene Descartes says, "I think not" and disappears. Thank you, ha ha. This must be what the sound of one hand clapping sounds like. Ha ha ha.

I tell you, these Buddhists are a funny lot, aren't they? I mean, the first enlightened thing the Buddha says is, "Everything is suffering." Pretty funny stuff, huh? And then one someone asks him, "You mean, EVERYTHING is suffering?" And the Buddha says, "Isn't it?"

Heh.  Hey, thanks, no. Anyone enlightened yet!?
 

ASK A MONK: Is humor or finding things humorous allowed in Buddhism?
  

Hey, hey, speaking of that, How many Buddhists does it take to screw in an enlightenment-bulb? Hey what's enlightenment anyway! HEY. Come on, I'm dying here.

I'm just kidding. Actually, I'm not kidding. There's something you don't get from your other ways of being, huh? The Buddhists love talking about dying. "Impermanence," they call it. Now, if that ain't funny, I don't know what is.

So what's the good news here? Actually, that's it. No matter what, we're dying. Some of us a little sooner than others. Yeah.

Family Guy: "The Dangers of Religion"

Well, um, I guess the good news is here we always got karma, huh? Good ol' cause-condition-and-effect karma. You know, it's because of our karma that we're all here together today. How lucky is that? Just us chickens.

Hey, did you hear about the one about the Buddhist chicken? Ha ha ha. Nah, I'm just kidding there. There aren't any Buddhist chickens. Well, I guess my time is up.

You get it? That's an impermanence joke. Anyway, before I'm done here, I want to leave you with a paraphrase of that great semi-Buddhist comic Steven Wright: "I don't want a p*nis. Where would I put it?" Hey, hey, hey, thanks. You've been real.

Ladies and gentleman, "the Buddhist Comic"!

Audio: the Buddhist Comic
Listen to audio of the only known performance of the Buddhist Comic

It's not funny because it's true
Comedian-philosopher Joe Rogan off of DMT and into a reality that's stranger than fiction: "The American War Machine" a.k.a. our Military-Industrial Complex

THE JOKE SHOW
Garrison Keillor, Prairie Home Companion (APM/PublicRadio.org)
An old woman gets on a plane in New York and flies to Tibet. She gets off the plane, climbs a mountain to the monastery. She bangs on the door. No answer. She bangs some more. Finally the door opens and a monk says to her, "What do you want?"

"I'm here to see the lama," the woman insists. "He's busy! He's meditating right now," the monk says abruptly as begins to close the door. The woman wedges her foot in the door saying, "I'll wait." The monk, seeing no easy alternative, opens the door and welcomes the woman in: "Take a seat; have some brown rice."

The woman waits and waits for hours then finally the heavy inner chamber doors begin to open. Incense smoke swirls out. And there in the splendor of his magnificent saffron robes and bald head stands the lama. And the woman shouts, "Sheldon! Enough! It's time to come home!" MORE:



God's Money

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest... The three church leaders were talking about tithing and the division of donations in their religions. One explained that in his tradition, he gathered all that had been given. Then he drew a small circle and tossed the money in the air. "Whatever falls in the circle is God's, the rest is mine." Another explained that he did the same thing, except he drew a big circle, kept whatever landed in it, and the rest was for God. They turned to ask the third what he did. And he explained that he didn't draw any circles. He just threw the money up in the air so God could take his share. Whatever fell to the ground, that was his money. 

-Anonymous

"When I was little, I prayed every night for a bike. Then when I grew up, I learned that God does not work that way. So I stole a bike for my own kid and asked God to forgive me."

- Marvin Purser, Hollywood, Florida

A millionaire renounces trade, turns over all his money to the church, and enters the monastery. The rules are strict. No luxuries, no commodities, and he is only allowed to speak a single word every seven years. After seven years, he is brought into the abbot's office and asked what his word is. "Hungry" he mumbles. The abbot gives him a bowl of soup and sends him back to his cell. Seven years later, he is asked again. He says "cold." The abbot gives him a blanket and sends him back. Seven years after that he comes in on his own and breaks the rule by saying two words, "I quit!" The abbot looks at him and says, "I'm not surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

"I was into 'extreme couponing' back when it was just called 'holding up the line.'"

- Lisa Ann Walter

• Cracking ATM PIN codes is a joke - here's how

Why good girls like bad boys EXPLAINED

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Late Night Sex Talk: "Loveline" (video)

LovelineShow.com; Wisdom Quarterly

(LoveLineShow.com)

Loveline is on the radio weeknights (Sunday-Thursday, 10:00-11:59 PM PST) live from Los Angeles (KROQ.com). It is co-hosted by Dr. Drew Pinsky, DJ Mike Catherwood, and sex therapist Simone Bienne.

It's a call-in question-and-answer show featuring any interesting person who can get through. (Start dialing before the show comes begins). What's the point? The primary goal is helping youth and young adults with relationship, sexuality, and drug addiction issues. 

Dr. Drew has gone from radio to TV fame

As a practicing internist and addiction specialist with training in psychology, Dr. Drew answers with medical authority. Comedian Psycho Mike adds humor and insight as a result of his own past dealings with drug abuse and ongoing recovery. Simone provides a woman's point of view and relationship and sex counseling expertise. Where else were we supposed to turn to find out everything we ever wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask our friends about?

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Every drone is a war crime (cartoon)

Tom Tomorrow (ThisModernWorld.com)

The MIC's Petraeus-CIA distraction: Sexual indiscretion trumps mass murder any day.

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The Republican fantasy (cartoon)

This Modern World by Tom Tomorrow

When right wing Republican conservatives decided to create their own reality in America

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JOKES: Buddhists are funny! (video)

LA Buddhists Seth Auberon, Jordan Kramer, Frank Miles, Wisdom Quarterly (edited by Seven); Scandinavian Lutherans Garrison Keillor and Friends; Italian lapsed-Catholics Eddie Pepitone, Jimmy Dore; east/west coast atheists Sarah Silverman and David Feldma...

The Buddha Gautama's always smiling, just as the next Buddha Maitreya will be (Malovika)

Monk Budai (Hotei) aka "Happy Buddha"

We don't know for certain if Buddhists are the funniest, but Wisdom Quarterly aims to make it so. It's tough keeping up with the atheists and agnostics of all ethnicities and religious persuasions, who seem to make the best comedians. Here are some gags to give your friends the giggles.

1. Knock, knock.

Who's there?

A not a...

Anatta who?

*Crickets chirping*

 

2. This is not a pot belly; it's a fuel tank for a sex machine.

AUDIO: "Groundhog Dayne"

Tig has c*nc*r; go ahead, laugh (NewYorkTimes)

(ThisAmericanLife.org) Famous people are supposed to be somewhere else, invisible to us. Comedienne Tig Notaro tells a story about repeatedly running into Taylor Dayne, who was a pop star in the late 80s and early 90s. Tig hosts the podcast Professor Blastoff and has a comedy album called Good One. (16 mins.)

3. The last thing, the last thing I want to do is hurt you. It's on the list, but it's the last thing.

Whoop-whoop, let's hear it for me, MB in DC!

4. When Mitt Romney went up to concede the election to Barry Obama, Anne Romney got on stage with him. Then when Mitt finally conceded, Anne breathed a sigh of relief. She really wasn't looking forward to moving into a smaller house.

5. "VOTE! It's your right! (Offer not available in all states)."

6. Knock knock.

Who's there?

Lilac.

Lilac who?

Lie like a politician and see how far you get.

"Ellen" talks to Suri's mom Katie (Anne Hathaway) on SNL (and says hi to Nicki Minaj tots)
   

7. Did you hear about the Buddhist coroner who got fired? He was great at his job. They just couldn't get him to stop writing "Birth" as the cause of death for every single one of his cases.      
   

Our nerd friends are geniuses

8. The Dalai Lama went into a pizza parlour and said, uh, something-something. "Make me one with everything"? No, no, he walked up to a hotdog stand barefoot in New York and got overcharged. He's always walking and always barefoot. He asked, "Where's my change?!" Then the vendor said something funny, but what was it? Something like, "Change comes from within"? No, no, he was barefoot, reeking from all the garlic on his pizza. He cried out in pain on account of a toothache from all the junk food. So the vendor directed him to the nearest dentist. The dentist saw that a tooth had to be pulled and asked His Holiness if he wanted some Novocaine, while offering him a breath-freshening mint. The old lama, as weak as he was, said "no," explaining that he would "transcend dental medication." And that's why he's known throughout the world as the "super-calloused fragile mystic exhibiting halitosis."

 

"Life in Hell" creator Matt Groening

9. An American tourist walks into a creepy old clock shop in Germany. The repairman barks: So? Vut seems to vee zee problem!? It's this antique grandfather clock I just bought, the tourist explains; it doesn't go "tick-tock, tick-tock." It just goes "tick, tick, tick..." Mmm-Hmm! relishes the repairman. I sink vee can fix zis. Let mee jusst look inside. Ve haf vays of making you tock. 9. They found a big hole in the wall around the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

• COMICS: Best of "Life in Hell" (L.A.)
• Why your romantic partner annoys you
• Vegan Fu on Tig Notaro's rise (nomfg.com)
• Meat-eating sponge discovered under sea 
• Schadenfreude: Selena dumps Justin Bieber

10. How do you find a vegan at a party? Don't worry, she'll find you.
  

The human Barbie doll (buzzfeed)

11. A ventriloquist was bombing on stage and desperately wondering what he could do to turn his act around. He suddenly remembered that when he was a stand-up, he could always get laughs telling Dumb Blond jokes. He started in on some standards, and before long he had the crowd roaring with laughter. Just as soon as he did, an angry blond in the back stood up and began to excoriate him: "Do you have any idea what it's like trying to live in this society with people like you perpetuating those kinds of stereotypes? The anguish I feel every time I apply for a job and they see that I'm blond and prejudge me..." The ventriloquist was dumbfounded, his jaw dropped, he turned beet red, as he struggled to apologize and explain. "Shut up!" the woman hurled. "I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to the little guy sitting on your lap."

12. A rich man married a young blond. "How are you ever going to keep her around?" his rich friends lamented. I'm not worried, he explained. I've got a circular driveway.   
  

Marilyn Monroe photos fetch $750,000

 

(eddiepepitone.com)

13. A fundamentalist Christian preacher and a Catholic priest sat next to each other on a plane. When the flight attendant asked what they'd like to drink, the priest asked for a glass of wine. The preacher asked for water mentioning that true Christians avoid alcohol. The priest argued, "But Jesus drank wine" [lightly fermented Nazarene fruit juice in place of water]. The fundamentalist shot back, "I know, and I would have thought a lot more of him if he hadn't."

14. The blond scientists unveiled their plan to get a rocket to the moon. The crowd roared with laughter. The moderator asked about what he saw as an obvious problem: How do you intend to avoid being burned up? "Oh, that won't be a problem," one of the blond scientists explained. "We plan to go at night." End of Part 1 in three-part Wisdom Quarterly series
     

WARNING: Rated R. Sarah Silverman has a plan to feed the world.

• VIDEO: Women to skydive in lingerie (ABC)
• Blue denim Levis as floppy sandals?
  
• VIDEO: Cockatoo found making and using tools 
• VIDEO: Baboon adopts kitten
• Drunk man arrested for "statutory" rape
• Consumer Reports tests and rates AA batteries
• FREEBIES (designyoutrust.com) 

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"The Bitter Buddha" (comedy)

Wisdom Quarterly, Eddie Pepitone (The Bitter Buddha) via David Feldman (PLAY SHOW)

Fat happy Budai (speakinggod)

"The Bitter Buddha" is coming to theaters and on-demand in late 2012. Screenings and news can be found at TheBitterBuddha (Facebook) and TheBitterBuddha.com. This documentary is an unfiltered look at Eddie Pepitone, a real "comic's comic." His life is on full display in this comedic portrait of creativity, enlightenment, and rage. 

  

A film by Steven Feinartz. Animated segment: audio courtesy of WTF with the Marc Maron podcast. Original animation by Allen Mezquida.
 
"The Bitter Buddha" takes an unconventional journey through the life of one of America's most original comedic voices.

 

"Want to feel like you've discovered something new? That you're watching a comedian poised to hit critical mass? This is your movie."

- The Chicago Tribune

 

Featuring comedians: Eddie Pepitone, Patton Oswalt, Marc Maron, Sarah Silverman, Zach Galifianakis, Paul Provenza, Sean Conroy, Dana Gould, Todd Barry, Todd Glass, Andy Kindler, BJ Novak, James Adomian, Paul Gilmartin, Paul F. Tompkins, Andy Daly, Jen Kirkman, Jim Earl, Leo Allen, Matt Oswalt, Paul F. Tompkins, Rob Huebel, Scott Aukerman, Todd Barry, and more.

  

LISTEN Fridays or archived for 90 days at KPFK.org

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Who needs a computer anyway?

DesignYouTrust.com; Amber Dorrian, Wisdom Quarterly

The actual reason Apple got famous was that long ago it hired cartoonist Matt Groening (Life in Hell, The Simpsons, Futurama) to convince us that we all need a personal computer. It didn't really sell until they miniaturized it down to the size of a sleek iPhone: LOOK INSIDE.

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How to Steal an Election (audio)

GregPalast.org, Cary Harrison, Desi Doyen (GoHarrison.com); Wisdom Quarterly

ELECTION EPISODE: "Go Harrison" (TheSmartShow.org, Pacifica Radio, Los Angeles) welcomes Greg Palast, author of Billionaires and Ballot Bandits: How To Steal an Election in 9 Steps [get FREE copy here], Vulture's Picnic, and many other titles.

• LISTEN: PLAY (GoHarrison, KPFK, Nov. 5, 2012 3 pm, download)
• Billionaires Steal Elections; prevent them

How to Steal an Election in 9 Easy Steps (truth-out.org)

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"Stripper Poll" predicts election results

Wisdom Quarterly; US.myspace.com/Power106; FitsNews.com

Strippers who work poles are the best source of predictive poll results (fitsnews.com)

   

Capitalism (Chad Chowe/online.WSJ.com)

Exit polls, entrance poles, polls of likely voters, polls of voters with cell phones but no land line... Who better to ask whom to vote for than pole dancers?

  

Pick a candidate, any candidate. You get a choice between the two sides of the same one. There is no third option, unless you're trying to make a statement. And WQ is.

  

So next time we get our turn again, right?

Who do strippers want if they are let out of the club to vote (which is their legal right with two hours of pay)? They are overwhelmingly for B.S. Obama. But throughout the Bible Belt, strippers working among older white businessmen say they are for Bishop Romney.

MIC told me in advance, but I didn't believe it.

How the the ballot measures breakdown? "What's that?" strippers ask. Would you like to know what's in food you buy? Yes. Then vote yes on 37 in California. Or, you know, read that newspaper thingy they said. It explains things in needlessly misleading language.

"Why would it be misleading?" Because democracy is the worst form of government... except for all the others. We should really give it a try someday. There's no time for this (s)election, but maybe next time.

• NPR poll finds presidential race too close to call
• The Last PEW Poll on Eve of Election (NPR)

RESULTS
What do the strippers predict? Obama may not win, but he will be the president (of the corporation) for another four years. Even if the Electoral College or Supreme Court has to hand him the crown Bush-style, he will be king. Strippers have spoken. Bishop Rmoney never really had a chance, even with rampant voter suppression. (This is carried out in various ways but it is most egregious with racial minorities being given "provisional" ballots that count for next to nothing). This is why no authentic Republican was allowed to run. Monsanto, Inc. is likely to prevail in its deception on labeling its genetically modified foodstuffs as per MIC agreement. Libertarian Gary Johnson will ride marijuana to the top in Colorado. California will see through sex trafficking ballot measure that tried to overreach for the police state.

• Mitt Romney's role as Mormon bishop shows his extremist religious beliefs

6:00 pm DemocracyNow! national election special
9:00 pm KPFA/KPFK statewide election special
10:00 pm (Spanish election) Informe en español
11:00 pm KPFA/KPFK special: News Team

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Comedy: Elections vs. Reality (video)

Jimmy Dore, David Feldman; Seth, Xochitl, CC, Ashley Wells, Wisdom Quarterly

War. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Politics, on the other hand. What is that good for? Laughs! We would give up paying attention -- if it weren't so tragically FUNNY.

  

Everything will be all right. But while the ride is in motion, we sometimes forget ourselves. Then it can get hair-raising. Is Romney that much of an idiot, Obama that much of a liar, the secret movers and shakers (hidden behind the scenes manipulating the game) that "evil"?

  
HALLOWEEN JOKES

Seven, Wisdom Quarterly
A boy was devouring a sack of candy -- bar after bar -- when the old Zen master walked up to him hollering. 

  

"You stupid fool, you're going to die eating that much candy!"

"My grandfather lived to be 107," the boy explained and kept gobbling away.

 

The old master was surprised. "You mean he lived to be 107 by eating candy?"

  

"No," the boy answered, "by minding his own business."

---------
Q: Why did the cat fall out of the tree?
I don't know, why?
A: Because he was dead.

• Halloween riddles, duds, and puns (PsychologyToday.com) 
• Halloween costumes: Gangsta rappers, Geishas, how far?
• L.A.'s Day of the Dead (Hollywood Forever Cemetery)

COMEDY: KPFK podcast FREE on iTunes

   
Is there compassion and kindness (karuna and metta) in today's cutting comedy? There may not be for those public figures being skewered. But there sure is for the majority of us forced to endure mass media disinformation campaigns and pernicious half-truths and bald-faced untruths of politicians and newsy talking heads.

  

Thank Comedy Central, Stephen Colbert, Sarah "Great Schlep" Silverman, Jon Stewart, Laura Kightlinger, Lisa Lampanelli, Seth MacFarlane, Southpark creators Matt and Trey, and the good ol' boys with the Red State Update!

  

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