JOKES: Buddhists are funny! (video)

LA Buddhists Seth Auberon, Jordan Kramer, Frank Miles, Wisdom Quarterly (edited by Seven); Scandinavian Lutherans Garrison Keillor and Friends; Italian lapsed-Catholics Eddie Pepitone, Jimmy Dore; east/west coast atheists Sarah Silverman and David Feldma...

The Buddha Gautama's always smiling, just as the next Buddha Maitreya will be (Malovika)

Monk Budai (Hotei) aka "Happy Buddha"

We don't know for certain if Buddhists are the funniest, but Wisdom Quarterly aims to make it so. It's tough keeping up with the atheists and agnostics of all ethnicities and religious persuasions, who seem to make the best comedians. Here are some gags to give your friends the giggles.

1. Knock, knock.

Who's there?

A not a...

Anatta who?

*Crickets chirping*

 

2. This is not a pot belly; it's a fuel tank for a sex machine.

AUDIO: "Groundhog Dayne"

Tig has c*nc*r; go ahead, laugh (NewYorkTimes)

(ThisAmericanLife.org) Famous people are supposed to be somewhere else, invisible to us. Comedienne Tig Notaro tells a story about repeatedly running into Taylor Dayne, who was a pop star in the late 80s and early 90s. Tig hosts the podcast Professor Blastoff and has a comedy album called Good One. (16 mins.)

3. The last thing, the last thing I want to do is hurt you. It's on the list, but it's the last thing.

Whoop-whoop, let's hear it for me, MB in DC!

4. When Mitt Romney went up to concede the election to Barry Obama, Anne Romney got on stage with him. Then when Mitt finally conceded, Anne breathed a sigh of relief. She really wasn't looking forward to moving into a smaller house.

5. "VOTE! It's your right! (Offer not available in all states)."

6. Knock knock.

Who's there?

Lilac.

Lilac who?

Lie like a politician and see how far you get.

"Ellen" talks to Suri's mom Katie (Anne Hathaway) on SNL (and says hi to Nicki Minaj tots)
   

7. Did you hear about the Buddhist coroner who got fired? He was great at his job. They just couldn't get him to stop writing "Birth" as the cause of death for every single one of his cases.      
   

Our nerd friends are geniuses

8. The Dalai Lama went into a pizza parlour and said, uh, something-something. "Make me one with everything"? No, no, he walked up to a hotdog stand barefoot in New York and got overcharged. He's always walking and always barefoot. He asked, "Where's my change?!" Then the vendor said something funny, but what was it? Something like, "Change comes from within"? No, no, he was barefoot, reeking from all the garlic on his pizza. He cried out in pain on account of a toothache from all the junk food. So the vendor directed him to the nearest dentist. The dentist saw that a tooth had to be pulled and asked His Holiness if he wanted some Novocaine, while offering him a breath-freshening mint. The old lama, as weak as he was, said "no," explaining that he would "transcend dental medication." And that's why he's known throughout the world as the "super-calloused fragile mystic exhibiting halitosis."

 

"Life in Hell" creator Matt Groening

9. An American tourist walks into a creepy old clock shop in Germany. The repairman barks: So? Vut seems to vee zee problem!? It's this antique grandfather clock I just bought, the tourist explains; it doesn't go "tick-tock, tick-tock." It just goes "tick, tick, tick..." Mmm-Hmm! relishes the repairman. I sink vee can fix zis. Let mee jusst look inside. Ve haf vays of making you tock. 9. They found a big hole in the wall around the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

• COMICS: Best of "Life in Hell" (L.A.)
• Why your romantic partner annoys you
• Vegan Fu on Tig Notaro's rise (nomfg.com)
• Meat-eating sponge discovered under sea 
• Schadenfreude: Selena dumps Justin Bieber

10. How do you find a vegan at a party? Don't worry, she'll find you.
  

The human Barbie doll (buzzfeed)

11. A ventriloquist was bombing on stage and desperately wondering what he could do to turn his act around. He suddenly remembered that when he was a stand-up, he could always get laughs telling Dumb Blond jokes. He started in on some standards, and before long he had the crowd roaring with laughter. Just as soon as he did, an angry blond in the back stood up and began to excoriate him: "Do you have any idea what it's like trying to live in this society with people like you perpetuating those kinds of stereotypes? The anguish I feel every time I apply for a job and they see that I'm blond and prejudge me..." The ventriloquist was dumbfounded, his jaw dropped, he turned beet red, as he struggled to apologize and explain. "Shut up!" the woman hurled. "I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to the little guy sitting on your lap."

12. A rich man married a young blond. "How are you ever going to keep her around?" his rich friends lamented. I'm not worried, he explained. I've got a circular driveway.   
  

Marilyn Monroe photos fetch $750,000

 

(eddiepepitone.com)

13. A fundamentalist Christian preacher and a Catholic priest sat next to each other on a plane. When the flight attendant asked what they'd like to drink, the priest asked for a glass of wine. The preacher asked for water mentioning that true Christians avoid alcohol. The priest argued, "But Jesus drank wine" [lightly fermented Nazarene fruit juice in place of water]. The fundamentalist shot back, "I know, and I would have thought a lot more of him if he hadn't."

14. The blond scientists unveiled their plan to get a rocket to the moon. The crowd roared with laughter. The moderator asked about what he saw as an obvious problem: How do you intend to avoid being burned up? "Oh, that won't be a problem," one of the blond scientists explained. "We plan to go at night." End of Part 1 in three-part Wisdom Quarterly series
     

WARNING: Rated R. Sarah Silverman has a plan to feed the world.

• VIDEO: Women to skydive in lingerie (ABC)
• Blue denim Levis as floppy sandals?
  
• VIDEO: Cockatoo found making and using tools 
• VIDEO: Baboon adopts kitten
• Drunk man arrested for "statutory" rape
• Consumer Reports tests and rates AA batteries
• FREEBIES (designyoutrust.com) 

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Jared Lee Loughner's Mental State.

Well, that was a short hiatus!! I'm glad I didn't force the inspiration though--force never works. It fights the natural flow of the stream of life. Now, on with the new post!!

(Artists rendering of accused killer, Jared Lee Loughner, in court. Photo Credit: Associated Press)

By Richard A. Serrano, Los Angeles Times

May 26, 2011

Reporting from Tucson—

A federal judge ruled Jared Lee Loughner mentally incompetent to stand trial in the Jan. 8 shooting spree that gravely wounded an Arizona congresswoman after two medical experts agreed he suffered from schizophrenia and for several years has been troubled by delusions and hallucinations.

They said on the news that they will "attempt" to make him fit for trial. If he's not fit for trial, then he clearly wasn't mentally fit when he committed the crime. However, if we dope him up enough, we can throw him in prison and exact our revenge on a mentally sick man??? How can he be thrown in prison, after treatment supposedly makes him "fit for trial" when he wasn't mentally fit at the time of the crime? I don't for one minute excuse his actions, and firmly believe he should be isolated from society, in a hospital, for the criminally insane, for the rest of his life. However, that said, how can he be convicted as a mentally fit man, after the crime was committed as an mentally unfit man? By that logic, a prisoner who committed a crime as a mentally fit person should be able to be acquitted, if he later develops a mental illness that renders him insane.

Being someone with a mental illness, you can't just "make it go away." Now, I'm not a danger to society, like Loughner, (nor am I defending him) but it seems our justice system, and much of America, (if not the world) is ignorant as to the fact that a mental illness isn't curable--at this present time. The last place we should put this individual is in prison, where he will only be agitated further, which could place the staff and other inmates in danger. I think it's safer for everyone to put him in a treatment facility where they have the medications, staff and experience with such cases. As distasteful as it may sound, he does deserve humane treatment. Just because he committed barbaric acts, doesn't give us the right to be barbaric in return. This isn't just a test of his sanity, but a test of how we will behave toward someone who has caused a lot of suffering. If we treat him with brutality in return for how he treated the Congresswoman, then we have just as much a lesson to learn about compassion as he does.

It scares me sometimes how vengeful people can be when they talk of torturing and tormenting prisoners for their crimes. I always look at people who speak that way in a different light. It makes me wonder what's going on in their heads!! It's scary how quickly their religious values and moral beliefs about laws and behavior go out the window when the target is a criminal. It's never ok to treat people in such a way--even if they are hardened criminals. Why? Because then we lose our humanity as a society--and within ourselves. If we behave that way toward criminals, then are we really that different from them?

~Peace to all beings~

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